I’ve been on twitter a few months now, and as usual, I consider myself an expert on it. I might not know everything about it, but I will know. Soon.

After reading through people’s tweets, I’ve managed to make a list of things to look out for in using it.

• Do not post about aspirations/goals/where you want to go in life. We will ridicule them.
• Do not mention food. Someone will always be around to “share” with you.
• Don’t show the slightest hint of being single and female. Countless males will throw themselves at you, bludgeoning you with “friendliness”.
• Do not post stupid links all the time.
• Don’t turn it into a damn chatroom. I know, I do it too. But you lot can just stop replying

Lots of people complain that twitter is “annoying, pointless or molesting my cat”. These people are, simply put, scared of it. They are afraid to embrace the new “mode of communication we didn’t know we needed till we got it”. They are relics to be left alone. Even now@papareboy is telling me that he hates it and that he is sick of it. He is also planning to ambush his toaster at home today because he thinks it’s plotting to tear apart his family.

Twitter is useless and useful at the same time. People post inane things like Wimbledon scores that nobody cares about, but then again people also post things about meetups and… stuff. It’s like a global noticeboard. And it’s accessible from anywhere.

We didn’t ask you to follow.

Dammit, that ending just sounds a little too dramatic. Here be the ending. The watered down one. Fin.