Archive for June, 2010

29
Jun
10

Hobos in Malls

I recently found myself wandering into Crescat Boulevard clad in raggedy jeans, an old tshirt and rubber slippers. I hadn’t even shaved over the weekend. Now most of the time, I try not to take heed of what people think, as long as my mind is appeased. But unfortunately for me, my mind still feels a little out of place walking into an establishment looking like a rabid homeless person. Especially if the establishment in question is one which sells you jeans for the price of your old cellphone. When they’re on sale.

Naturally I was a little put-off by the twelve year olds looking at me like I’d just eaten chewing gum off the floor. I mutter a “podi ghothaya” under my breath and walk on.

It’s times like these when I find myself in a very contemplative mood. Times like these and times of complete bliss and harmony; for example when in the bus and a particularly good track comes on, or when you sneakily handcuff the neighbor’s ankles to the kitchen sink and shout “HA HA where’s your liberation now, HEATHEN?” at her. Soothing.

I contemplate many things. The most recent was me imagining painting the mall’s corridors red with the rage of hipsters when I wear a tshirt that is actually faded instead of pre-faded into their skinny-jean clad turf. Another was when I was mulling over shooting a BB gun at the bunch of old women who looked at me disdainfully like they were the stepford wives.

Yet another thing I always wonder about is why people keep searching for the term “ramzi rahman gay”. Further, it baffles me why it always leads them to my blog. Apparent;y it’s due to some comment left on an old post, but is there nothing on the internet documenting this man’s sexuality? Whoever he is, he’s likely got many males interested. Or at least many females disappointed.

28
Jun
10

Hello, I am WinAmp.exe

Hello, I am winamp.exe. You might know me as your friendly neighborhood media player. Some of you might also know me as that son-of-a-bitch program which just ruined everyone’s hard night’s work with a single stroke of vileness bringing down an entire computer. One moment you’re listening to “Bombay Awakes”, happily typing away into Illustrator and the next you’re swearing at your monitor wondering why your mouse cursor refuses to move.

Eventually you will learn that I have in fact taken charge of things, and that the so-called ‘hood of your PC is now my female-canine-in-waiting. I couldn’t just sit there at the top of your screen and let you finish that assignment could I? It is in my blood to rain down damning bolts of thunder as devastating as rabid winged rhinos with chainsaws for horns tearing through a kindergarten. Imagine that I am the rhino, and your peace of mind is a bunch of kids hunched in the corner. Of course I cannot just crash, I have to drag everyone else along with me.

Even the might of windows 7 cannot stop me from going down on your system like a cheap russian hooker. I am just as lousy, but for free. I am kind like that, the only reward I ask is seeing your face frozen, a perfect replica of those masks they give the devils in the kandy perahara.

Yours Crashfully,

Winamp
P.S: No hard feelings eh? Hope you had a backup.

28
Jun
10

Return to Normal Broadcasting Schedule

As the more astute of my readers, or pretty much anyone aware of the concept of time passing might have noticed, my “keep the blog active” plan was out of action for the past week. Fortunately this wasn’t due to people sending me threatening emails to cease and desist, but because the last week was as hectic as my stomach after going through a kottu from the shop across the street. Trust me, that place is not for the faint-of-intestine.

So anyway, last week was an eventful week. I shaved my beard, if you hadn’t heard. It was getting to be a pain. The first thing to happen after I shaved it off was me getting ripped off by a bus conductor. Clearer proof of its badassery I cannot imagine. But the price was too great. I assume that at one point the thing would have grown so much that it muffles my speech and made me sound like that slimy dude in Beowulf who looks like a plus sized Gollum and sounds like he’s gurgling cats.

Even worse, I might sound like Sean Connery. Have you heard him talk?

21
Jun
10

I’ve Got A Feeling

That staying up late doing nothing in particular, sitting in front of a PC will mess with my brain. It’s times like these that I start thinking how much more interesting life would be with a bunch of friends who actually make use of the only evenings when I’m free. As it is, I sit at home, staring at wordpress.

It’s times like these that I fear I’ll turn into one of those creepy old dudes who live in their parent’s basement, with so much porn on their PC’s they get pop-ups when browsing their hard drives.

*shudder*

——–

So anyway, that is the beginning of a post I wrote last last Saturday night. As you can see, there clearly was no fever.

There was much corniness, though.

So I sit here, in front of wordpress again, while the morning is so young that it’s still okay for it to run around the supermarket yelling and biting people’s ankles. Life needs excitement! And my life craves it like a cat falling into a well craves a yacht.

It is mere cause and effect, I guess. The Sinhalaya trips have become less frequent, and I have started working. Hence all this pent up energy lies about doing nothing, and crashing on your couch and not paying the rent. To effectively combat this, one must counter the onslaught of boredom. You don’t have to be honest about it or anything. Just like how people turn into vegetarians not because they love animals, but because they just hate bloody plants.

There will be a trip. Soon!

My blog cannot take anymore mediocre angstiness!

17
Jun
10

The Beard Has To Go

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching about the beard lately. And by soul-searching I mean being pissed off when it feels like any surface I rest my chin on is made of grated plastic. It’s infuriating. The thing actually retains water. Whenever I wash my face I feel like I’ve hung a little weight on my jaw.

It’s getting to be almost as annoying as those pants which have buttons in place of a zipper, like some kind of infernal puzzle game you have to play when you’re rushing to get your business done. I’ll bet a woman designed those.

But above all, it’s the feeling all this fuzz leaves on my face. Now I know what a mountain feels like. Or pretty much any wooded area. Except this feels like it moves. It feels strangely like a flurry of ants walking about my mouth, dragging their feet as they go. Maybe it’s some Mecca-like place for ants.

It makes me feel like a goat. I may stroke the thing lovingly every now and then but occasionally it makes me want to eat election posters stuck on walls.

Excuse me now as I go consume my morning course of Alfalfa.

16
Jun
10

People’s Representatives?

I’ve never posted much about politics up here. Though I’m sure the current atmosphere blends in perfectly with the content on here.

I saw this clip on youtube.

It has a recently elected parliamentarian batting away questions with “ahala kiyannang“, or “I’ll get back to you on that” with a giggle and a head-laugh.

Watch and be mortified. Makes you wonder what people are thinking when they go to the polls.

16
Jun
10

I Don’t Like Football

I am not a happy man… Boy, these days. I have to go to sleep at a time when the night is so young that if it were never hugged by it’s father, would develop multiple personalities to cope with it. Just so I can wake up in time for work. Add to this the fact that my mom now expects me to pay for stuff. I’m still an infant in the life-cycle of working. I am still supposed to be allowed to wantonly spend on anything I want while maintaining a savings account the same way a terrorist organization maintains a brand image.

But above all, is football. I don’t dislike soccer per se, just this world cup. Let me provide my reasons in easy to comprehend list form, in case any fans are watching and need help.

  1. Vuvuzelas.
  2. Clogging up twitter.
  3. People talking about “#bra”‘s and “#prk”‘s all over the place.
  4. Vuvuzelas.

You see, soccer is fine. It may be a little girly, but that’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with being born female anymore so you’re all excused. It’s just this whole “worldcup fever” thing that gets to me. Togetherness, one planet, waving flag. Bah, it’s a sport, not valentine’s day.

Though that Waving Flag song is pretty nice.

15
Jun
10

In Defence of the Beard

Opinions on my facial hair have varied from “badass” to “pedophile” to “needs more ketchup”. The time has come to make hard decisions. The time has come for my facial hair to have close encounters of the shaving kind.

*rimshot*

But wait! I hear you scream in a high-pitched fashion. I started growing this to see what it would look like. Since the area that I want to grows creeps slowly on while the rest of my face sprouts fuzz every morning, I can now add “drowning people in Old Spice” to my list of hobbies. Unfortunately, the hair growth serum I got off a short, dark and hairy merchant in pettah turned out to be, well, ketchup. SO I have to wait till the thing grows to see.

When I started this enterprise I imagined myself in a leather jacket, cruising past my office on a large bike, tweeting. Now I get looked at funny by the kids around where I work.

Ah well, if this doesn’t work out, I can always grow a nice big beard. I’ve always pictured myself sitting in an East India Company-esque club, stroking the corners of my beard while contemplating what to tweet next.

I’m kidding about the tweeting, by the way. Just in case you’re foaming at the mouth waiting for an opportunity to cite this as evidence for some inane argument.

14
Jun
10

Reflection

Microsoft is strange. Though “whiskeryJerry” is kind of creepy considering this post

I’ve been reflecting quite a bit on things these days. It’s not like I have too much time on my hands either. I find myself dragging polygons around and then suddenly the polygons turn to people. And I’m supposed to not be a complete git to them. The polygons. Then If ind myself thinking about how “outskirts” sounds like a large woman sitting on top of a city and the “outskirts” being where her dress falls around her.

But I try not to dwell on these.

It’s funner not to.

Disparate Purse? Really MS?

10
Jun
10

Bloody SLT…

So it turns out the adsl was connected since last month. Now I can put my stressed-out 3G connection to rest while at home. Although at the moment, I seem to have managed to wedge the router in such an electromagnetic crevice that wifi is only accessible in the same room as the router, and the rooms directly above it. Now that’s what you call real tech skills. Who needs WEP when you have me?

So anyway,

I keep getting called mean. I am not.

I am merely an opportunist. I think I told someone else this. I am not intentionally mean per-se. For example, in general conversation, if I see an opening for a line which, if said, would result in laughter, I say it. I don’t really mean that the person has toes like a leper.

If anything it means I’m comfortable enough with them to be reasonably sure that they won’t sucker-punch me in the groin when I say things like how their family genealogy can be traced back to paperclips. It just happens. I do not hate you.

But if it does go wrong, and I get nearly sucker-punched, well who cares? I’m not trying to befriend humanity in general here. Just the ones that don’t mind being called retards.

In other news, what’s the big deal with front facing cameras on phones? First the EVO 4G and then the new iPhone. It’s as if they just realized the things existed. Hello, America? Us urchins in the third world have been sending hieroglyphics at each other through video-calls for years now. Welcome to 2005; at least Justin Beiber isn’t big time yet.






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