Archive for the 'humour' Category

22
Jan
09

The Return of The Getting To Know Me

Getting To Know My Friend The Zombie

My pal Barney here wanted to join in all the fun of this tagging business too, so I went through the list with him, me being the kind soul I am.

Barney: He’s a nice guy when you get to know him

1) How are you today? Brilliant! Can’t wait to go terrorise some scientists.

2) What did you want to be when you were little? An astronaut.

3) Favourite toy as a child? I was usually locked up in our basement back then. I guess I could say the occasional small child who wandered in could have been called a toy.

4) Education? Yes, my parent’s thought it best to home school me, but even that stopped after ninth grade when I kept eating the teachers.

5) What is under your bed? Oh you know. Odds and ends.

*shudder*

6) Read any books? Why yes, it’s quite a challenge keeping ourselves entertained while waiting for the next wave of erstwhile heroes. Death of a Salesman caught my eye, but so far it has been quite disappointing in terms of content.

7) Where are you from? My parents told me I was adopted.

8) Are you a people… er.. Person? Yes. I like people quite well. It may be a one way thing, but when I’m at the mall I go crazy with all the people there.

9) What kind of music do you listen to? I like the old recordings of ambient noises in Nazi concentration camps best but bands such as Slipknot and Marilyn Manson are a suitable alternative. But Miley Cyrus sounds good too.

10) Favourite genre? Death Metal and Pop.

11) Last movie you watched? The Night of the Living Dead. The people at the theater were not surprised to see us there and even asked for autographs. I am proud to say the Zombies are people too program seems to be making progress.

12) Currently employed at? Turtle Rock Studios and Valve. They recently released a videogame titled “Left 4 Dead”, which features Differently Alive persons quite prominently.

13) What is your middle name? Well my friends call me ‘Biter’ but my real middle name is Hussein.

14) What characteristic do you most despise in people? Shotguns.

15) Are you a morning person or a night person? Well it depends. I really like the night because people are more scared, but I keep bumping into things, what with the regulation-zombie-walk and all.

16) Food you dislike? Persians. The cat, not the people. Actually, the Persian president, that Ahmedinejad fellow is an honorary member of Unconventionally and Differently Alive Demographics(UnDeAD).

17) If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? *glare*

18) First person you spoke to on the phone today? You might not have noticed that my fingers are not exactly suited to grasping small devices such as phones. But yes, thank you for reminding me.

19) When was the last time you cried? *GLARE*

20) Okay, okay… Hugs or kis-

What, why are…

Why are you getting up?

!!!

HEY!

getoffmegetoffmegetoffme!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!

*BRAAIIIIIINNNNNNZZZZZZ

16
Jan
09

Stupid, STUPID!

THIS is why there should be a screening process before they let you use the internet.

Off the comments for the Macbook Wheel video from the onion, on YouTube. You know the world’s screwed up when linux users start being like polymethasdg;lsahgas up there.

18
Nov
08

How to : Fight a bobcat, and win!

Many are the times that the question of whether one of us could take on some wild animal and come out tops has been asked. I have here the answer. I was flipping through an old reader’s digest and came upon an article in which a man has to fight a wild cat to survive. And the best part is, he does it with nothing but his tiny pocket knife. That alone merits giving him a medal. I mean, look at those guys who go hunting for ducks. They go out there looking like Rambo to take down a flying chicken. I don’t know much about ducks, but I’m pretty sure you don’t need an arsenal the size of Sweden to take those bastards out.

Back to the story : The dude’s taking a leisurely walk in the hills somewhere and suddenly there’s this crazy wild cat walking towards him, acting all uppity. So he does the sensible thing and tries to back off slowly. But the cat’s in a bad mood today, so it decides to get all up in his face.

Our dude ain’t gonna take any of that lying down, so he pulls out his knife and stands at the ready to give the bobcat a good beating down. The cat lunges, and through some freak accident our hero drops his knife. So he wrestles around with the cat for a bit. He starts feeling around on the ground, looking for the knife, all while this cat is eating his head off. He gets it!

Since his head is likely inside the ev0l cat’s mouth, he blindly stabs the knife. But alas! He has stabbed his own other hand! Now, I’m sure he did this to make the fight a bit more interesting, but nonetheless… He gets the knife again. This time, he plunges it deep into the cat’s neck, drawing much blood. The cat goes all D: on him and starts thrashing around, letting go of him, and our victor rises up, to survey his kill.

Apparently he was receiving treatment for many months after.

So everyone, if you ever have to fight a wild animal, here is the bible to your barbaric journey. I mean polar bears and things are mean things. I even heard of a mad leet polar bear who could fly. You never know when you’re gonna run into one of em, say, camping in Sinharaja or something.

05
Nov
08

An Open Letter To Women

Yeah yeah, overused title template but whatever. Without further ado,

Dear females,
I know what you’re up to. Your domination over this world has been exposed to me like so much leg at a strip joint. You yammer on and on about how women are oppressed and “looked down upon”. This is a blatant lie. You know why? Because WE, men, are biologically programmed to always be under the finger of you women. We can’t help it. All you women make posts saying how men are always “annoying” you by hitting on you and the like. Yet you have all the power. You don’t see women standing in bus stops staring at men, slack jawed as a cow do you?

Let me give you a few examples.

1) A woman walks up to a man and goes “Hey handsome, wanna go somewhere?” And before she can finish the sentence, she will be swept up on her feet and on the way to much merry making.

2) A man walks up to a woman on the street and goes “Hey beautiful” and that is all he will remember. Till he wakes up from his coma, that is. Then he’ll have flashbacks of screams and yells of “rapist!”, visions of shoe soles being flung, and the occasional “nugegodahomagamahomagamahomagamaaa!”. Eventually, after regaining the use of his arms, he will go back to a relatively normal life again.

So you see, we know about you little “hurt puppy” act. We’re not gonna fall for it.

And don’t give us all that “Where would you be without us women?”.

I say, “Still in the garden of Eden, hag”.






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