Posts Tagged ‘accidents

26
Apr
10

A Series of Unfortunate Events

These past few days have been very strange. I’ve had a greater than average number of situations I would rather not have been in. I’m not sure if I’ve gotten more prone to this kind of thing or whether it’s just my imagination. Or possibly Airtel sending me a subtle message. Even that volcano, Ehjaasdafadasdgaeg, is somehow connected I think. When a butterfly flaps its wings, my friends. As for the name, I have a hunch that’s how the Icelanders defend themselves. Enemies just go “And now on to invade Reyk-ja-hansk-urg hhh…. Hmmm.” And ignore it and head to France instead.

So anyway, life has been weird.

Take last week for example. I had just gotten on a bus to head to work one morning. After five minutes a woman holding an infant gets on. And of course she has to head straight towards me. And within about two seconds all my mind is thinking is:

“Will she move on? Why is she standing next to me? Will she not move on if I turn my head to see if she’s still standing there? Why is she still standing there?! Dammit I shouldn’t have turned my head!”

And then I get up and she takes my seat.

After a while I decide to do my morning rounds on the internet. I pull out my phone and hold it sideways while Opera Mini loads in landscape mode. I call up twitter. After a while my focus drifts beyond the distance I’m holding my phone at, and onto the woman-who-took-my-seat’s face. For some unfathomable reason she’s scowling at me.

Then two things happen. I notice that she was all set to breast-feed her kid, and that my phone was held by me in such a position that it was pointing at her and also held sideways, as if I were taking a picture.

So like a deer caught in the glare of her headl- … Like a rabbit watching an oncoming train, I just stared at her. Terrified.

After what seemed like an eternity of this, I swung my phone up and tried to hold it in such a fashion that at least three people standing next to me could see that I was merely creepily going through what people were doing right after they wake up instead of twitpic’ing this stuff to a sex-ed class.

Suffice to say I got out of that bus alive. Just barely.

So there was that. Then there was this other thing where I threw forward my sexist-yet-lovable personality at a prospective client. I was at campus with a bunch of friends and she was going on about how “her ideal man” would be “like a good suit. Complements and makes you look good, and preferably goes with your shoes”. So I told her an ideal woman would be “like a good backpack. Holds stuff, is comfortable and most of all, doesn’t recite retarded analogies”.

After many a look that felt like rubbing my elbows in gravel, the conversation got round to how she’s looking to hire a freelancer. She hasn’t contacted me yet.

It’s not even just with other people. I came home two days ago to a pot full of boiled eggs in some kind of curry thing. It had beans in it too. I like beans. So I grabbed a piece of naan and dipped straight into the pot, and walked off munching what I thought was a bunch of egg and bean goodness. After a mere three steps I realized the urgent burning sensation in my tongue that was quickly spreading to the rest of my mouth couldn’t just be beans. I mean, who puts beans in with boiled eggs anyway?

So yeah. I’m being extra cautious these days. It seems like every situation I get find myself in is tailored to give me mental anguish. I should just stay home.





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