Archive for January, 2009

31
Jan
09

The Ballad of Isaac Clarke

‘omg, 8.5 on ign!’ I go
love blossoms
extract, install
play.
disappointment. noob.
PC fuxxored up. virii.

–intermission–

clean, redo,
kaspersky is my friend
extract, install
play.
joy, shining through the wall of zombies
‘lol i cn take it’ purrs my radeon
all options high
shaders glisten at me
play.
empty corridor

–second intermission–

dark rooms
smooth, I like.
‘gimme some action’ barks my frisky gpu
enter zombies
‘omg omg, tmi tmi!’ cries my cpu
‘single core’, I mutter.
hack, hack, zombies
frames, less than 20, a second
‘i want more’, gpu
‘i can’t keep up’, cpu ‘stfu noob’, gpu
‘/kick cpu, gpu’, grumbles memory
graaagh

So sounds the death knell for my old but graceful Prescott. Dead Space isn’t all that fun when the zombies, who’re usually pretty slow, do Neo-of-Matrix-fame like stunts.

Look here, we’re still the same, even hundreds of years in the future. 😀 Though I have no idea what “Peng” is.

Space Strippers

Peng???
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30
Jan
09

Untitled 3

While traveling in the front seat of an ‘inter-city’ bus, I saw cracks on the windshield originating from the approximate spot that my face would hit if the bus were to come to an abrupt stop.

There is nothing to grip but the passenger next to me.

He doesn’t look very grippable.

30
Jan
09

Re: A letter of response to the spate of Roach hate posts on the blogsphere, by the High Council of Roaches

Dear Roaches,

You are stupid. You have stimuli and response. If that’s the only level of sophistication that can survive on this planet for millions of years, I don’t WANT to.

See, nuclear warheads, among other things, are what we made with our weak, non-crawl out of our skin bodies. So till you sprout opposable thumbs and start making things like beer, music, religion and playstations, you still suck. Do you know what suck means? No, because all you can do is breathe.

So you survived a few million years. So did crocs. You don’t see THEM going about sprouting superiority facts do you?

You know what? Without us, you wouldn’t HAVE a nuclear fallout to survive. It’s about time we moved out of your miniature shadow. We’re off to space. Can you do that? No, cos you’re stupid.

And when we DO get around to blowing up this goddamn planet, we’ll make sure we put bug spray in each of those nukes!

P.S.- We would appreciate it if you would stop stealing our technology.

29
Jan
09

Batten the hatches! Our Doom is here!

Batten the hatches! Our Doom is here!

That is, if local blogs are to be believed. Not war, cockroaches. It seems like there’s always someone who chimes in to say how mighty, how great and powerful that creepy insect is. Us puny humans don’t stand a chance against such a superior life form. The usual reason being that they can survive a nuclear fallout without a scratch or melt.

And then someone will talk about the great feats of endurance a cockroach went through on the way from the drainpipe to the shower. We humble meatbags cannot compare to the towering feat of evolution that is the cockroach. We will conveniently discard the fact that they are the size of the average toe.

So, Mr. Roach, you think you’re so high and mighty? Well, we won’t bend to your whims anymore! Though we might cringe at the thought of touching you with our slippers, we can still squash you like, well, a bug. How many roaches do you know who’ve assembled a nuclear warhead? Can they even SPELL nuclear warhead? Forget that, do they know what letters are? No, they’re stupid insects! So what if they can shed their skins? We have GTA! Even better, everyone I know has a slipper! And last time I checked, that was the leading cause of death among roaches. What human do you know who would DIE from a slipper unless it was made of lead?

Roaches are stupid.

Will a roach realize I said they’re stupid? No, because it’s a dumbass. So stop treating them like a fire breathing leper colony or something.

*EDIT : Flinching bit removed due to author being continually pelted by various objects.

28
Jan
09

In the Beginning…

There he stood, with a paintbrush in one gnarled hand and a bowl of moose-blood in the other. Eugene the caveman had just finished painting a red stripe on his wheel to make it go faster. He also slapped on a “[square]-Type” badge just to be sure. See, there wasn’t much you could do to a stone wheel to make it go faster without stumbling into moments of inertia, and nobody had discovered math yet. He was due at Mammoth Hill soon, to meet with his fellow modders and race their wheels down the slope.

Since the dawn of time, man has been fascinated with speed and cars. There was the clan of regular cavemen, who went out hunting and stalking about the jungles being mannish, and then there was this other clan, whose members mugged the guy who invented the wheel and got him to build them some more. These cavemen gathered in the night to roll their modified wheels down the hills and to impress cave women with how fast their ride was. There was also a third clan, one whose members hung out in the forest and made love to strange holes in trees and did things like trap mosquitoes in tree sap, and went on to invent SecuROM technology for anti-piracy. But they are shunned today as they were back then.

So anyway, after centuries of being chased by sabretooth tigers and police drivers, we eventually got games. Games like GTA and Need for Speed. Sure, GTA isn’t a racing game, but it does let you do much more with your car than NFS.

Most games have restrictions. In Half Life, it’s the particle physicist’s inability to conquer a three foot high wall. Or, god forbid, a locked door. Even though he has a Gravity Gun which can throw cars at 100 ft tall aliens, a door is just unthinkable. Crysis, you’re expected to kill everything in your path anyway, and the only other things you can pick up are big stones, turtles, little stones, and Koreans. Yes, America, you people are fatter than us tiny Asians. We get it. And in most RPG’s, it’s “Kill small enemies till you level up enough to kill the big enemy”. After a few million small enemies, you pick up a ring or something and get to decide which one compliments your silk shirt best.

But GTA is cool. It is a primitive world simulator, and does a commendable job. You are dropped into a sprawling world, and set free. There’s some story involving black people, but nobody cared about black people till one of them got in the white house, so I don’t remember. Something about a deejay guy and stealing TV’s. The usual black guy thing. I’m sure angry teens all over were amazed by it’s charming portrayal of fist fights as more a battle between you and your mouse than anything else. And scrawny 12 year olds would have been overjoyed to be able to go to the gym, press a button repeatedly and come out with a wider set of polygons the size of your fist. I have seen first hand what this game does to the “gangstuh’s” among us. They pick a car, get three err.. holies? and go riding round the countryside, apparently appreciating the limited palette scenery.

GTA will tell you what a person really _wants_ to do. What we cannot do in real life, but always wanted to try. A certain blogger’s brother, I’ve heard, keeps beating up people and running over innocent pedestrians with a pink Cadillac. Contact me for his whereabouts if you are afraid for your safety.

But just watch a person play this, and you will know them better. Be it blowing up everything in sight, going on a rampage with a chainsaw, or wreaking havoc on the city with a VTOL jet, parachuting down, making a car bounce up and down and then buying new shoes, you will get a rare insight into their mind.

Eugene would’ve been amazed.

The only thing I don’t get is why the game’s women seem to enjoy coffee so much.

…And why Niko runs like a sissy in 4.

25
Jan
09

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

I’ll be reading your terror forecast this week.

Down south white van density has reduced greatly, due to which we should be seeing less of the plain vanilla abductions. But reports suggest that more outrageous acts of patriotism will be occurring more often. People working in the media in particular will face much difficulty in day to day duties. They are advised to immediately become taxi drivers to keep from hindering the great progress we are making. Most other areas seem clear for now, but we cannot accurately say whether the rest of the populace will not be affected anytime soon.

As you can see, up north we have some fierce action all converging at one point over Here. People have been advised to evacuate as soon as possible, but there will be no governmental support as the troops are otherwise occupied at the moment. This is a bid to improve the survival skills of the local peoples.

In more good news, we receive reports that the turbulence up here will clear out soon. We trust in our able leaders to guide us through this difficult patch of fate and finally achieve equilibrium, to defeat the godless savages who lay siege to our great nation.

Good night ladies and gentlemen,
and as always,
Ceylon Prevails!

———————————–

Evey Hammond: My father was a writer. You would’ve liked him. He used to say that artists use lies to tell the truth, while politicians use them to cover the truth up.
V: A man after my own heart.

Yes, been watching too much V for Vendetta.

23
Jan
09

And The Me Hits A Century!

100th post was the last one!

@%#$^&$#^%!!!

And here I was waiting to give ya’ll some cake and all.
😀

Oh well, 200 then.

Anyway, sometimes, being called the biggest asshole someone’s encountered feels surprisingly empowering. I don’t really know how to describe it, but coming from some people, it just feels sort of… nice. I feel like I’ve achieved something.
😀