Archive for July, 2009

31
Jul
09

Religion and I

Have a loose relationship. I went to a catholic school. Had a great many religious persons in my immediate family. Hell I even used to read the bible when I was little. Granted it was when my mom forced me to while reciting the rosary, but still. I went through nearly 14 years of rigid adherence to all kinds of ‘rituals’ and ‘holy days’, not to mention prayers three times a day. At home I was influenced by my mum, but that was kinda balanced out by my dad, who visited church at most maybe twice a year except for Easter and Christmas.

What I’ve retained from all this is, He’s up there. Somewhere. And uh… that’s about it. The unshakable base faith might be what has provoked me to do things like answer “It’s blowing in the wind” when questioned by my english lit teacher on The Necklace. Or maybe it was just not knowing the answer. But anyway,

I have no idea why I’m writing this post, but I guess it’s just to have in writing, somewhere, what exactly I believe in life. Not sure this is the place to put it, but meh. I am usually influenced by my conscience, which for some reason I think is telling me the right thing to do. But I only listen to it when it’s convenient. I eventually forget it anyway. I choose to only be religious when it suits me. But I do avoid all out ‘evil’. Like not putting up a poster of The Killers in your new apartment, like our resident celebrity chemist. May you titrate in hell for eternity.

I do not “defend his name” wherever I go nor do I take particular pains not to make jests using religion. I believe God needs defending about as much as Optimus Prime needs a haircut. I mean, he’s a deity. Would you or I care if someone said you don’t exist? You might as well shake your fist at the sky and go “You’ve got cooties!”.

And now, to end this horribly disjointed post, I say, Gehan.

Advertisements
30
Jul
09

New Morality

Please note that sign ups are on for anyone wishing to join the Morality Police. The leadership has realized that to get people to act morally and ‘properly’, mere banning of despicable western pollutants such as pornography and mobile phones is not enough. Parents cannot be given the great burden of bringing up children who are not sexually frustrated, rapist-in-waiting social deviants, and as such it is up to the state to impose rules and regulations. Further, romance is to be outlawed, as it is immoral and against our culture to fall in love. Anything that is found to be aiding and abetting such frivolous activities such as late night phone calls are to be banned. Mobile packages aimed at couples fall into such a category. So do park benches and secluded places. The leadership also hopes to make telephone networks only work during office hours, as mobile usage after these productive hours has been found to be, in certain cases, for communication between a male and a female who do not have any shared business interest and are not related. There will also be random surveillance on phone lines to catch out any same sex ‘relationships’. There are also plans to introduce new laws through which all interactions between a male and a female will be overseen by the newly instituted Morality Police.

In more great news, the leadership is happy to announce the inclusion of the newest member into it’s ranks of Prudish Soccer Moms, Mrs. Primitive Thinking. She was ushered in by senior members Mrs. Knee-Jerk Reactions and Miss. Utter Stupidity. The new membership has been approved by the board of WAAD(We Are All Doomed).

The newly appointed Secretary for Suicide Prevention is also doing well. After only a slight setback when he tried to ban suicide, and learned it was illegal, he has again set himself on the right path by visiting select “Likely Suicide Case” schools and delivering fantastic speeches. An excerpt is below.

…this suicide is nothing new. You all might think it is the “in” thing to do and all, all the cool kids are doing it and everything, but no. Suicide has been around for a long time. Sure you might want to try it out maybe, see what it’s like. Go home and tell your parents to vote for me and I will let you experience all the suicide you want! It is every students right to experience school life to the fullest! I will not rest…

As for those dissenters who claim we do not have the authority or the right to make these decisions for you, it is for your own good. It is for your child’s own good. If you have any questions, please write to us, or alternately, write a letter, mail it to yourself and then shred it up when you receive it. Both accomplish more or less the same thing. At least the second way you will receive something.

Thank you for bearing with us in these troubled, immorality rife times and we sincerely hope you have a pleasant ride with us back into 15th century England.

P.S. – Laws have been drafted for prevention of ‘self inflicted immorality’, rudely known as wanking. It has been found that removal of certain organs is the only path to salvation.

Sub Post : Refreshing.

Why do people keep hitting refresh on their desktops? I saw this twice recently. Both were people who work with computers and should know better. First was at an internet cafe near where I work. Needed a printout and the printer was out of ink so I headed there. The CD I gave him with the files was taking a while to read so he went back to his desktop and kept right click>refreshing. As if the CD would magically improve by way of him doing that. It’s refresh, not ‘fix all your problems’. Then again when I went to get my CV printed, the woman at the PC kept doing it while my thumbdrive was being scanned for viruses. To speed it up maybe. People who use it probably go to their computers and keep refreshing when stuff like domestic problems crop up. Wife: “I want a divorce! waah!”. Hubby: *Goes and refreshes his desktop*. Microsoft Windows has an ace hidden up it’s virtual sleeve folks. Not to be outdone by other OS’s offering mere security, they have gone the whole hog and added a fix-anything feature. Viruses? Refresh! Fire in the building? Refresh! Trolls in the house? Refresh! Refresh refresh refresh!

27
Jul
09

Boys and Girls

You know, young humans. Two arms, legs, standard facial features? You might even be one of them. I’ve been noticing things these days, not that I haven’t noticed before, just that I didn’t want to write about it back then. I was occupied with other things.

Namely drooling.

But anyway, boys and girls are two different kinds of beings. Completely different. For example, a girl who goes into a club is instantly cool. Even if she’s standing around near the bar. A boy cannot do that. Not even if he’s with a friend. But a girl with a friend, standing around is automatically just waiting for someone. Even if she has never met that someone before in her life.

Boys come in many varieties. The type that will go up to those girls and start talking, the kind that will look and smile at the girls till they show some sign of approachability, and finally the kind that steals glances at the girls while waiting at the bar himself. The first kind, if he doesn’t get a chair thrown at him or a heel shoved in his ankle for perfectly innocent comments, is quite well off. The second kind eventually gets the girl if he doesn’t turn out to be too much of a creep and doesn’t say anything about pepper spray. That third kind of boy with a friend around will try to appear cool by talking of all kinds of sexual topics but will fail. Notably because talking of sexual topics when you are unable to approach the opposite sex is kind of homosexual.

As opposed to girls, who can do whatever the hell they want and still have boys wrapped around their little fingers. You don’t see many girls coming up to boys and chatting them up do you? You make us do the work. Slap a boy with a cup of tea and he’ll still say he loves you. Although since it was Sabby you really can’t say if he wasn’t just too terrified to remember anything else to say. Girls can even use italics in as many places as they want and still not get rebuked.

All this has already been said, but I shall, in signature fashion, say it all again! Men just want women around because they’re fun, and women have made slaves of us because we let them. One can’t live without the other, but dammit if I’m going to be owned by a female I’m not going to be happy about it. And now that I’m not owned by a female I can say all I want against females and the slew of blizzards in the Antarctica of life they push us into.

A quote from one of my older posts :

“Where would men be without women? Still in the garden of Eden, hag”

23
Jul
09

Boredom

Being at work right now is like being in your very own little… I don’t know. I sit here, imagine the PC talking to me. I don’t speak binary so I don’t even know what it’s telling me. It’s like hearing the message tone going off repeatedly on your phone when your display is busted.

I lean back in my chair, slide down. Let my head hang over the back. Staring at the ceiling, I see wood paneling. Kinda smallish room I’m in. About the size of a bedroom. Which is not surprising considering this is a house and this used to be one. A bedroom. Not a house. It’s in a house, but it’s just a room. A house inside a house is a dollhouse. I do not work in a dollhouse.

The wood paneling seems warped in some places. It’s been maintained as well as it could have been, but this building must be nearing 20 years on the ground now. It’s looking young for it’s age. She’s looking young for her age. Every inanimate object that gets a gender is female. Ships, cars, gehan etc etc.

She. She was looking at me. I simply said ‘female’. She, the wooden ceiling, looked at me through the lines in her wood paneling. I imagined termites eating the insides. Rise against! “The surface shines, while the inside rots“. And i again called her female. I am honing that into my harshest swear word. You get called female by me, you better go hang yourself out of shame. It, She looks at me again.

And while I watched, she slowly reached out one wooden plank towards me. I sat, mesmerized by her pattern of lines. The plank slowly curved towards me.  My PC started shouting frantically. He might as well have been saying  “My carrots of splendor are pencils for a phantom” for all I understood.

The plank finally reached my neck. It was a nice plank. Varnished on one side and what I think was some special coating to keep out bugs on the other. No termites for this one. I looked at her tip. I said “Nice rack”, while glancing at the row of nails shot through her. This seemed to infuriate her. I couldn’t imagine why. Again, females. A compliment is a compliment. A sexist is a sexist. Am I one? She wanted to answer me, I could tell. I could see it in her eyes if she had any. She didn’t have a mouth either so she couldn’t tell me herself. But I knew. Females always do. Female, I taunted.  This drove her mad. Vibrating like a rattle, making creaking noises from all over, she lunged and wrapped herself round my neck. Any other female and I would have been quite happy. Just my luck to get the kind that has splinters.

At this point it hits me. Not the female, the realization that I was about to be strangled. By a plank. What the hell was going on? What’ll they say in my obituary? Killed by a girl? “Boy strangled to death by dead offended female tree”. That’s three adjectives more than I’ll have on my grave. I don’t know why I noted that. Get a grip man! I am about to disappear. Vision fades slightly. Her grip tightens. I shake in my chair.

Then a spark. Like lightning, but on a much smaller scale. A spark. I don’t know where it came from, but I think it was from my monitor. There’s a little black spot on it now. But the spark struck her. Struck her and burned her. She is charcoal now. My PC smote my killer. She is now deader than most dead wood. I gasp, and look at my PC. The screen has gone blank. I am saddened, thinking it sacrificed itself for me. Then the screen flickers on. Then fills with white. Two words appear on it.

Times New Roman screams at me,

“You Female”.

22
Jul
09

Wanting to Hit People

Was at a dog/people fashion show thing at odel yesterday. I was dragged there by indigenous-to-cricket-matches-music-boy because he wanted to see dogs in skirts.

Participants included @pavithri and the meant to be there-ness of Sabby. She said she would be there but instead went home like an old lady after completely forgetting the thing. Papareboy and his head of… hair was there too. Hisham unsuccessfully tried to do a long distance funny over twitter but failed, going all emo at it’s failure. He never was very good at the humor thing.

While at odel I ran into all kinds of people, those who went “…show everrrr” and the kind who go “st.fallen is my idol”. That’s the person I wanted to hit. I don’t know why, maybe I’m the designated terminator of all weaker beings. That skinny, hair over the eyes look had me clenching my fists for some reason. Hunching didn’t help either. You better have good posture around me or I’ll give you a wedgie. That oughta straighten your prematurely bendy spine.

Watched Angels and Demons too. It was pretty generic. The usual Dan Brown crap spoon fed to millions of seemingly adoring fans. It’s all the same for crying out loud! More or less all the books have some dude just suspicious enough to be bad, who turns out to be a good guy, some goodie two-shoes who turns out to be the bad guy, and Dr. Robert Douchebag Langdon. You’re a glorified crossword editor, not John Wayne. Then there’s the mandatory hot brunette who comes along with him for reasons on par with “My pencil might need sharpening, I need someone to carry a blade”. Tool. And I don’t mean like a screwdriver.

20
Jul
09

Backwards Weekend

TEDx

Yesterday. I showed up around nine to a roomful of people I didn’t recognize. Then Sinidu showed up and gave me my free ticket. So I found myself an uncomfortable metal chair and sat. Turned out Celestial Dream was sitting n front of me. According to St. Fallen who came in later she was wearing an interesting top. But anyway,

Most of the speakers were interesting, whereas some were dead boring.They also showed some TED videos from the site. Interesting bits were meeting the pavementleaf and some woman I thought was T.

There was some woman there, with sunglasses perched atop her head. Fallen, for some reason, thought that was a clear sign that it was T. Apparently T is a beach person. Apparently beach people wear sunglasses everywhere. Gehan wears sunglasses. He’s in kandy. Didn’t realize Sri Lanka was half submerged in the sea.

So I dramatically turn, point at her and go “AHA!”. She stares, looks away. I look back at Fallen. He laughs. I look back at the woman, mumble something like “You’re not tea are you? I’msorrymistakethisguy…..”, and then elbow Fallen. In the stomach. Cow.

Being stared at as if you were a druggie on the street is not fun. Hitting fallen is.

Met Rannelee there too. She waved at me frantically while I was on the phone, leaving me wondering who the hell it was. She gets a link because she bought us juice after the thing from roots. Everyone is advised to ask her for things when first meeting.

Sabby’s Place

Went over to wreak havoc. Wreaked very little. Just threw a few pillows around, splattered wine on a wall and ambled out in the evening. Also managed to get @hijinx to log into TweetDeck and throw a few tweets around. @sabbyaz deleted all the tweets I made on her account. Hag. On the bright side she’s started a new blog.

Friday

Wanted a repeat of last Friday. Didn’t get it. Went to food court, waited, got donuts, off to burger king for dinner. Notably, papareboy pulled on whacko’s collar to see inside. I’m not kidding. He then goes “Oh I’m sorry, was just checking whether your chest was hairy”. Oh, that was all? All’s right then. WTF? That’s like going “Oh I was wondering if it would fit” after sticking your head up an elephant’s ass. After a satisfying dinner we were off home. No beach or anything :/

Went to rock.lk for the first time. Bad photoshops. The cons of pirated software. Why don’t all those bands just hire me to do all their album covers instead of that dude who’s called a graphic designer because he can take a face and slap in on a Llama?

Single again.

15
Jul
09

The End of the World + 200 Posts

Papareboy, in a fit of deranged-manic-prophecy telling, yammers on about the end of the world coming in 2012. He’s turning into quite the old woman these days…

Now do you see why I never link? Do you want people to see that I distort the truth horribly before posting? Foolish old woman.

Apparently the world is going to end because the Mayan calendar ends at 2012. Oh noes, a bunch of people who weren’t smart enough to fend off a bunch of Spaniards in funny looking hats don’t take the time to make a proper self-incrementing calendar say so. Boo hoo. As usual I have none of the facts, so I will just assume things. If they didn’t have the brains to live to see Transformers, they don’t have a say in anything. Simple as that. The benchmark of whether a civilization has any say in anything is whether they are alive to see Transformers the movie.

Tch. And you call yourself a civilization. Come back after you’ve discovered plastic and we might take notice of your poor excuses for calendars. Oh wait, you can’t, you’re dead. Too bad.

The last was my 200th post. I also have 1971 comments at last check. It’s frustrating when things don’t line up JUST right. It’s kind of like finding out you were swindled into buying a DVD re-winder. Well not exactly, but you get the gist of it. No, I’m not going to stop anytime soon either. Yes, carrying this burden is an arduous task, what with all of you hanging on my every word and sending me emails like

I ❤ your blog man! Totally brightens up my day when I’m in a particularly emo mood! I think I would just die without you.

– Falling

Love your writing dude…! Awesome work, did u kno tat this is the only thing I have to look forward to up here in the hills here in Hollywood.

– Garry

EEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! *sqeeeaaallllll* OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG I love it! I’d DIE without it! EEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

– thepavementleaf

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t believe I’m actually writing to you!!! OMG! This is like, sooo cool!!!

[edited for brevity]

– lowjinks

I have a confession to make. I love you. And I’m a girl.

– paparegirl

Many others were found but I published only those with names which I didn’t recognize.

😀