Chuck Norris Jokes

He’s in the trending topics on twitter, so thought I’d collect some of the one liners about him here.

Jesus once saw the face of Chuck Norris in a microwave burrito. He promptly sold it on eBay for $2500.

Chuck Norris has his own blood type.

Chuck Norris once roundhoused the moon

Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

Chuck norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Pluto became a dwarf planet because Chuck Norris bumped into it on his way back into our Solar System

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can ice skate uphill.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need Twitter. He’s already following you.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

white star line never knew that the Titanic sank, because it crashed into Chuck Norris.

if you have $5 and chuck norris has $5, chuck norris has more money than you

Chuck Norris just won a stage of the Tour de France….. without a bike!

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris’s Twitter is chucknorris.com/twitter

Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep, he waits

Chuck Norris killed michael jackson

There are no such things as tornado’s. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks. awesome!

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land

Chuck Norris had both legs cut off in a car accident. He picked up his car and walked home.

The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

I’ve heard that Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

A handicapped parking sign is a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and you’ll be handicapped if you park there.

lesbians are just straight women who haven’t seen Chuck Norris yet

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , b/c revenge is a dish best served cold.

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

Weapons doesn’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live

Chuck Norris can watch “60 minutes” in 20 minutes

Chuck Norris drives Optimus Prime to work

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the reason babies cry at birth…

Chuck Norris can chuck more wood than a wood chuck can chuck.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris draws a triangle, A^2 + B^2 = C^3.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken

Chuck Norris turned wine back into water…. cause he felt like it.

People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris…Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

Chuck Norris dosent do push ups…he pushes the world down

Chuck Norris‘s cowboy boots are made of real cowboys.

Chuck Norris protects area51

They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

Barrack Obama asked Chuck Norris‘s permission before becoming the US President.

Chuck norris dosnt belive in god,god belives in chuck norris

Chuck Norris is every one of Jay Z’s 99 problems

Superman wears Chuck Norris underpants.

Michael Jackson knew that Chuck Norris was really Billie Jean’s baby daddy.

chuck norris doesnt read a book. He stares it down till he gets the information he wants

google was created the day chuck norris wanted to find something on the internet

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he’d win. Period.

Chuck Norris was abducted by aliens, and he ended up probing them

It has been said that you will die for Chuck Norris‘ sins….

Chuck Norris was the first black man on the Moon.

Chuck Norris doesn’t step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

Chuck Norris was actually Martin Luther King Jr’s dream

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

Chuck Norris don’t open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.

There you are folks. New ones popping up all the time, just search twitter for Chuck Norris.


17 Responses to “Chuck Norris Jokes”

  1. July 13, 2009 at 3:52 pm

    Chuck Norris drives Optimus Prime to work


  2. July 13, 2009 at 3:54 pm

    chuck norris writes ASOB NQIM to provide oulet to his weaker alternate personality annonymously..

  3. 4 Your Boss
    July 13, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    I feel sorry for myself having employed a retard like you. Do you never work? Monday morning you came up with such tripe to be followed by another by noon. Please do justice for your Salary. Blog by all means. But do it from home. This is official warning before i kick you out.

    Your Boss

  4. July 13, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    okay okay

    Chuck Norris writes ASOB NQIM under a pseudonym because appearing intelligent in real life will detract from his macho image…

  5. 8 Your Boss
    July 14, 2009 at 3:32 am

    Meet me first thing in the morning. You are fired with immediate effect. Fired for misconduct. Please handover all work to your immediate boss. All formalities will be settled immediately. You are fired for misusing company computer and work time in useless blogging.

    • July 14, 2009 at 8:44 am

      I would have thought ‘my boss’ has better things to do at 3.30 in the morning than comment on a wayward employee’s blog. Dumbass.

  6. July 14, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    Chuck Norris is ‘your boss’

  7. 12 chathuraw
    July 14, 2009 at 9:01 pm

    Good shit mate. ROFL 😀

    Superman wears Chuck Norris underpants.
    Chuck Norris doesn’t need Twitter. He’s already following you.
    Chuck Norris drives Optimus Prime to work

  8. July 27, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    How much wood could Chuck Norris chuck if Chuck Norris could chuck wood? 😐

  9. 16 Chuck Norris
    March 14, 2010 at 10:05 pm

    better people have gotten into worse troubles for writing less.

  10. April 20, 2010 at 8:38 pm


    Both take up too much space on the bed.
    Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
    Both are threatened by their own kind.
    Both mark their territory.
    Both are bad at asking you questions.
    Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches.
    Neither does any dishes.
    Both pass gas shamelessly.
    Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
    Both like dominance games.
    Both are suspicious of the postman.
    Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
    Neither understands what you see in cats.

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