I’m bored these days. Sitting at home leading my tremendously eventful life is, quite unbelievably, tedious. So I thought I’d jot down the tale of how I encountered the batman at my first and last job interview to date.
I pay and get out of the three wheeler I use to get to the address in Kolpetty. It’s 9:55am on a sunny September day. The sun feels like a dog that has had too much chili to eat licking my face. I hurriedly scamper up the stairs to the office on the second floor and look around. Two people. They look at me. I stare back.
We stare at each other.
I squint. Two males, one in office wear, the other casual. Reception?
“Uh, I’m here to meet a man about a fish. Uh… a job- an interview. Designer thing….?” I eloquently orate.
“Oh. Wait a minute please”
With that the dude in office wear picks up the phone on his desk and speaks into it.
I do not hear what he says for I am now staring into a black curtain that has suddenly dropped down in front of my face.
I push it aside, to be confronted with a mess of sharp looking black metal things.
Before I can say out loud that their boiler seems to have crashed down through the ceiling, a deep, throaty voice goes “I’m here for the job. Give it to me.”
My senses tingling, I compute that I have competition. From a big black… thing. I step around the object and find myself staring upwards at a face covered by half a mask, a strange looking vest, fetish for black and a cape. I had this round clenched. All the clues led to only one conclusion.
“The opera business not paying enough for you to carry out your evil DESIGNS?”
Then I took out a pair of Ray-Bans and dramatically put them on while staring into the middle distance.
“Your picture’s been cropped, Phantom.”
“Of the Opera.”
Then I proceeded to take off the shades and remove my glasses, and then put the shades back on again. This was done discreetly, aside.
While I waited for the masked genius murderer cum composer to wallow in shame and go home a broken man, someone ushered him into a door to my left saying “Step this way please, Batman”.
He then gave me a look which said “You have made a great fox pass and now you will pay for it by living a life of shame if you ever get chosen to work here, infidel! Do you not know who Batman is? Also, would you prefer tea or coffee?”
I flexed my eyebrows, signaling tea. Then I followed them in and was greeted by smoke. Someone who looked like the boss was telling everyone to calm down. I went up to him, and noticed b-man sidling up next to me looking a little sheepish. Which is hard to do when your face is half covered in a mask. “I don’t work well in daylight, or in ‘Natural Sun’-themed office lighting fixtures”.
I looked at the boss. He seemed displeased. I was confident I had made a better first impression.
Then we sat down and it turned out we were both being interviewed at the same time.
Boss: So, I see from your resumes that neither of you has much experience in 3D modeling or graphic design professionally.
Me: Yes, It’s just a hobby of mine. But I’m quite confident of my ability to keep up with any work.
Batman: I can make your psd files fear the night. *cloak self with cloak in swift movement*
Boss: Okay then… So where do you see yourself in a yeAARRGHHH! What are you doing?!
Batman: Just cleaning my batarang…?
Boss: No, not you, HIM! *points at me*
Me: Eh? Can’t a guy pick his nose without being ostracized? It’s a free country dammit.
Boss: Employees of this organization maintain proper manners and discipline at all times.
Batman: I’m quite disciplined, if I say so myself. I can stay perfectly still in the middle of a blizzard wearing only minimal clothing and at the same time do calculus equations in my head. I can survive in an arctic wasteland populated by snow eating hippies for an indefinite period.
Me: I’m sure that’s a great skill to have for a DESIGNER.
Boss: Yeah… I’m not sure we’re ready to expand to Canada…
Batman: Don’t you have dreams? Do you not wish to eradicate all crime?
Boss: We’re…in… the services industry… But anyway. What would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: I’m a perfectionist. I keep changing things in my designs every time I open them.
Boss: Very good answer, what about you, Mr. Man?
Batman: The name’s Batman. No last name. Remember that.
Batman: I have no weakness. Weakness is for other people. It is for the people who I hunt. In the night. For I am the knight of the dark. The Dark Knight.
Boss: Okay. Right. Moving on, what can you bring to this company?
Batman: This company doesn’t deserve a designer. Where’s my dramatic music?! You deserve nothing! But I will still fight for you and give you what you deserve! Which is nothing! But I know what you deserve and will make it my mission to make sure all your text objects are turned to curves! And you will get what you deserve because you deserve more…than you get…from what you deserve me. Eh.
Me: I’ve got lots of hours under my belt working with relevant software. I’m a people person.
Boss: Are you a people person, Batman?
Batman: I have a great working relationship with most people. They’re afraid of me. I also have thirty two methods to kill you under MY belt. Hah!
***Hours pass, batarangs are thrown and more smoke is let loose***
Boss: Hello again you two. I’ve made my choice and I think I’m going to play it safe and go with Jerry here.
Me: Why thank you, I can assu-
*Enter Robin *
Robin: Yo Jerry, I’m really happy for you, I’ma let you finish, but Batman has one of the best typography skillsets of all time!
Boss: My decision is final.
*Boss shoots Robin with shotgun hidden under his desk.
*Batman rushes over to Robin
“Oh god no! What will I ever tell his parents?! Why does it always have to be the innocent bystanders! This mask makes it impossible for my tears to escape!”
*Boss calls security, drags wailing Batman out.
*Batman sobs hysterically outside.
Boss: I guess I’ll see you on Monday then!
Me: Why yes, thank you!
***I am shaken awake***
“Come on in for your interview. Great first impression, looser.”