I was bored yesterday afternoon. I had exhausted all my usual methods of keeping busy such as stoning kids playing in front of my house and killing prostitutes in GTA 4. The first because they’d taken to playing somewhere else and the second because my monitor is broken.
So I sat there, looking out the window at the stretch of road in front of my house, and suddenly a kid rushes past in a bicycle. She turns around, shakes the pink ribbons hanging from the handlebars at me and rides off again. I was intrigued. I went outside, concealing a cricket bat under my shirt. I went around the corner and crouched behind a bush to lie in wait. The lady next door passes by, looks at me and starts throwing stones. I holler at her to get lost, harpy.
The little girl comes around the corner and I jump out in her direction and bring out the bat, aiming swiftly for the head… Of the man who had jumped out of the bushes across the street. I whisper “Sorry, Halik”, and go over to the little girl, who is by now quite shocked. “You’re safe now, here, have a cricket bat”. “Thank you mister, *giggle*”. She gets back on her bike and is about to set off. I push her off the seat, grab the bike and run away, laughing like a maniac.
Back at home I was inspecting my prize. I imagined cruising along Marine Drive at night, showing off my ride to the racers gathered there. But it was a short lived fantasy, for the little girl’s mother came over and started banging on the door asking for the bike back. I cursed and threw it out the window, yelling “It’s wasted on her! You’re spoiling her!”. My fragile ego was badly in need of some wind rushing through its hair.
So instead of sulking around the house again I borrowed a friend’s bike and set off. I had no clear idea where to. Eventually I got to a place selling king coconuts, so I stopped and asked the vendor to cut one up for me. While drinking it, he said “So the election’s coming up. Hope that criminal Candidate A doesn’t win”. I go “Yeah totally, can’t imagine what would happen”. He goes on “Candidate B is the only true leader this country has! He has no competition from the other fellow”. So I say “Of course! Did you know I have a poster of Candidate B on the wall next to my bed?”
After cycling for another half hour, I come to a junction and stop to ask directions from a three wheeler park. They’re in a heated debate about the presidency. I ask “This road leads to Pamunuwila, yeah?”. The guy says “Okay let’s ask this guy here! Dude, don’t you think Candidate A is the right choice for this country? We need change, everyone knows that!”. I reply with “Indeed. I pray to god that Candidate A wins every night before I sleep”. “There’s a good fella! This country needs more people like you”. I wholeheartedly agreed, from the bottom of my heart. I couldn’t have agreed more to that sentence if I was a bobblehead in Agreeville selling agreements.
It turned out that road did lead where I wanted it to. I ended up at the place where I usually repair the cycle, and waited in line while the man there fixed someone else’s bike. They were deep in conversation. Thankfully it was cricket.