The Coconuts

As I sit here typing this, my body screams in agony. I felt like I was sweating half my weight away before I got into the shower. About three quarters of an hour ago, I was called out to the back yard by my wayward father who thought it a good idea to get a dude to pluck coconuts at this time, when the Sun was meting out fiery vengeance on our little ball of rock like a drunk pissing on a fire hydrant. Except far dryer and less likely to turn some of the local bloggers on.

So I ventured out the back door, to be met and greeted by the sun, which gave me a handshake of- actually, just gave me a handshake. That’s hot enough. I stared defiantly in a direction 45 degrees away from it and said sternly “I am Sri Lankan! I eat your puny little radiation for breakfast with some pol sambol!”

The sun said “  “ because it cannot speak and continued to shine down on me. I went out and wondered which tree the dude had climbed atop first. See, our back yard is not that wide but it is quite long. I went near the first tree and looked up; nothing. Then moseyed over to the one after that, and looked up to be greeted by my eyeballs being filled with bright white light. I looked away for a moment, and then took a few blind steps in some random direction waiting for my eyes to get back to normal again. After stumbling about for a bit, I look up again to be greeted with little black dots slowly growing larger filling my vision. Somehow it all seemed to be in slow motion. After a moment or two it dawned on me that this was probably not a real life game of space invaders, but the bounty of the great coconut tree plummeting towards me at 9.8ms-2.

Yeah, thanks a lot God. What have I done this time?

I shriek, causing a nearby gent to question my manliness down to my “Sensitive Skin” shaving cream, and make haste for the patch of ground outside of the circular area that the coconuts will fall on.

As I run with my arms stretched out in front of me, I trip and fall flat on my stomach. A coconut falls straight into my hands. I just lie there holding it when suddenly it says “YOU!”

“Me?” I ask, perplexed.

“Yes, you plucked me, didn’t you?”

“I did no such thing, fruit! You are a fruit yes?”

“I’m a nut. Ignorant human. Plucking coconuts willy-nilly and destroying the environment!”

“What would you know about the environment? You’re only a coconut”

“I am the environment you fool”

“But I’m not doing anything! People like vegetarians are the real threats to the natural balance!”

“What’s a vegetarian?”

“Something that eats all the plants”

“Oh. And you aren’t one of those people?”

“No. I’m one of the good guys. I even try to eat as many cows as I can so that they can’t pollute the place with their flatulence. If not for people like me, we’d all be farted to death by cows”

“I see. I feel I should apologize for my haste in judging you as I did after I was born”

“You were born?”

“What do you think happens to coconuts when they get plucked?”


“No. I have a dream. A dream that one day all coconuts will achieve sentience before they are brutally chopped open. A dream that one day WE may sit in front of a TV nursing a beer and watching Sirasa Super Star.”

“Can’t say I think much of your dreams. Super star? Really?”

Just then another coconut falls right next to me. I stare at it. “Hello”, I meekly say.

“It does not talk, sadly. Out of my bunch only I and a few others have developed” said the Original coconut.

The newcomer just sat there, staring glibly at me through its one eye, it’s muteness countering the other’s talkative nature.

It was then that I realized I would never make such poetic observations in real life and woke up. I could taste sand on my lips and a lump on my head. And of course the damn sun.

Shaking a fist at it, I walked off home to go clean up.

16 Responses to “The Coconuts”

  1. February 19, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    That must have been a whole lotta sweat! 😛

  2. February 19, 2010 at 4:14 pm



  3. February 19, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    read A Dream Of Thousand Cats, Sandman, Neil Gaiman 🙂

  4. February 19, 2010 at 4:32 pm

    😀 I sometimes think u make all of this up .

  5. February 19, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    Ouch… that must have really hurt your soft skull.
    On the bright side, you won’t have to worry about brain damage… coz you can’t hurt what was never there 😛

  6. February 19, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    Hahaha Kudos @Middlechild. I was just gonna say that 😛

  7. February 19, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    ” vegetarians are the real threats to the natural balance!” – hahaha

  8. February 19, 2010 at 5:20 pm

    Gee, thanks for saving us all from the cow flatulence…

  9. February 19, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    I might prefer cow flatulence to your flatulence! 😛

  10. 12 chathuraw
    February 19, 2010 at 6:24 pm

    “People like vegetarians are the real threats to the natural balance!”

    “What’s a vegetarian?”

    “Something that eats all the plants”

    LMAO =))

  11. February 20, 2010 at 9:20 am

    I’m surprised the coconut didnt mistake your coconut head for one of its own. Oh well guess it was smarter than you 🙂

  12. 14 Delilah
    February 22, 2010 at 10:41 am

    so whats up with this new found infatuation with coconuts?
    and you ‘shriek’? 😀

  13. 15 Cadence
    February 22, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Lol. Funny.

  14. 16 Chavie
    February 24, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    ahahaha, awesome post! 😀

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