New Job

Recently, I decided to send in an application for a vacancy advert I saw in the papers, and ended up being employed. I start work this Wednesday.

This is a big blow to humankind as they’ve lost their pioneering freelance “How to get them from the Boardroom Back to the Kitchen” researcher. Analysts say the field may take years to recover from the hit. Militant feminist groups the world over celebrated by using aprons for target practice, when they weren’t stealing ribs from men. Experts say the human race might go hungry in the next few dozen years.

At my first interview, I had to fill out a form full of personal details, such as “Previous place of employment”, “Parents’ Names”, “Reliability” and “Ownership of pets which can be made an example of”. After I triumphantly filled out all the details and handed it in, commenting to the secretary on how I’d plundered the form’s fields and heard the lamentations of its women, I sheepishly slunk back to the chair, trying to avoid the icy cold “Too corny even for you” stare.

As I sat uncomfortably on one of those little coffee tables with a backrest that people call office furniture, the guy next to me, another interviewee, looked at me and smiled. I smiled back like any normal person. He then introduced himself, to which I replied with my name.

Apparently he was a guy who liked computers, music and all things outdoors, which I take to be things like garden hoses and pedophiles. After a brief exchange I discovered he liked pink shirts, and was only wearing a white one that day because it was in the laundry.

After ascertaining that he wasn’t BatmanI asked him where he had worked before applying here. I was recited a name of a large advertising firm everyone had heard of. By the look he gave me after that, it was quite clear that he wanted me to tell him where I worked previously. Either that or he was a little uncomfortable about sitting on what looked like a loveseat with me.

Since my previous place of employment was probably reduced to a few scrawled names on a pile of foreclosure notices by now, I told him “Well I once managed to get three toys at once out of the claw machine at the carnival…”

He laughed at me. So I pulled him by the tie and smacked his face on the cover of my portfolio CD. He looked at me, flabbergasted, as if I’d said something like “flabbergasted”.

“You shall rot in the eternal fires of hell, fiend” he slowly said as I stood up and walked towards the offices as my name had been called. I waved at him and was tempted to tell him a story about how ages ago when my dad was driving he swerved off the road and hit a cow, but unfortunately she got up again with minimal injuries and went on to get married and give birth to him, but I just said “A special place is reserved in hell for people who like pink shirts, ya fairy”

After that decidedly un-awesome exit, I entered the office of the man who was to interview me.

And sat through the easiest interview of my life. Granted I’d only ever been to one interview before that, but still. It went well.

And so the future of this blog depends a lot on whether I can post from work or whether I’ll get lazy and neglect it. But I doubt that, being the attention seeker I am.

10 Responses to “New Job”

  1. 1 residentprincess
    March 1, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    LOL! you’ve scared that guy for life 🙂 Congratulations on the new job.

  2. 3 chathuraw
    March 1, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    Congrats on the new job man! 🙂

    Easiest interview of your life huh? I remember you saying something about AS 2.0 😀

  3. March 1, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    ‘which I take to be things like garden hoses and pedophiles’ – hahahaha! 😀

    Congrats on the new job btw! 🙂

  4. 5 Chavie
    March 1, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    Congratulations on the job man! 😀

    Love the twist you’ve put on that cow joke! (still think the Foxhound version is better) lol 😉

  5. March 2, 2010 at 6:36 pm

    Congrats dude!

    And I vote for carrying on blogging!

  6. March 5, 2010 at 4:29 pm

    Congrats Jerry, if you quit blogging we’ll alert the authorities.

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