How To Turn Into A Psychopath

Recent events have left me scarred, battered, worn and unable to make regular blogposts about it. Suffice to say my young mind was incapable of grasping such mysteries as reaching for the soap in the bathroom only to find that it has been partially eaten by something with small teeth.

I suspect papareboy.

Then I had to endure the pain of having to do my own laundry, and getting my own food. I have to pay for my three square meals! I can’t believe people actually live like this!

But you must be wondering what I’m babbling on about. The parents have left for India again, and everything but the laws of physics have been upturned in this house. My list of laments is long, but most importantly, Food: I can’t make anything much other than chocolate sauce and boiled water. I occasionally make kottu by cutting up strips of godhamba roti but it’s never the same. You can’t tape four extra limbs on a cat and make an octopus. Neither can you make it predict the outcomes of horse-races. That was an expensive day at the betting centre. I wonder what an octopus tastes like.

But yes, getting to the title of the post. I was on my way home one evening, on the bus, with a pretty girl sitting next to me, when I get a phone call from a friend.

Me: Hey!

Friend: Hey man, what was that movie you were talking about?

Me: Oh, Killers

Friend: Ah, will look for it. How’s the food situ going?

Me: We’re getting by okay I guess. Usually cook.

F: This movie isn’t about babies or anything is it?

Me: Babies?

F: Yeah, like baby’s day out or some shit. I don’t know what kind of movies you watch.

Me: Must you hate me for being a deviant?

F: Yes. It’s about the cats.

Me: What about cats?

F: You don’t like cats.

Me: It’s not that I don’t like them, they just don’t taste that good. Heh.

F: See what I mean? Freak.

Me: Yeah, the police are still trying to track me down after the neighbor’s pets disappeared.

F: Please, you couldn’t hunt a mouse.

Me: Bah, what do you know, you’re not the one who’ll be turning into a cannibal from starvation soon. Desperation can lead to many things, boy.

And that’s about the time I noticed the girl next to me staring at me with her mouth agape. I really should pay more attention to what I’m saying on the phone.

10 Responses to “How To Turn Into A Psychopath”

  1. July 19, 2010 at 9:15 am

    xD ROFLMAO 😆

    What is it with you and buses? Did some witch curse you or something? 😀 Anyway, about time you let the people know that you’re a public menace 😛

  2. 2 chathuraw
    July 19, 2010 at 9:34 am

    What do you mean? Cats taste good roasted over a slow fire! 😛

  3. July 19, 2010 at 9:56 am

    Have you forgotten everything that you learnt at that ‘How to pick up women 101’ class? 😛

  4. July 19, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    Octopus is like cuttlefish but way tougher and more rubbery. Unless they’ve chopped the fellow up into tiny pieces. If you really want to know what it’s like, I think there’s octopus on the menu at Sakura.

    Cephalopods aside…chocolate sauce and boiled water? That’s it?! Survival skills FAIL 😛

  5. July 19, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    Had a hard time trying to keep from bursting out laughing… Had a weird distorted face all while reading the post. I’ve resolved to not read your posts while at work.

  6. July 19, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    And the next time you do a load of laundry, use a bucket to carry the stuff to hang on the line instead of running up and down carrying two pieces of clothing while trying not to get your tshirt damp. And as far as I can remember, I’m the one who’s been buying you dinner the past week! On the good side, you have the laptop 🙂

  7. July 20, 2010 at 10:43 am

    I feel for that poor girl… she probably needs therapy!

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