18
Sep
11

The Private Bus: A Layman’s Guide

I’ve been taking the bus for a long time now. Over the years, you tend to pick up little things about bus etiquette and how not to get wet when it rains and you’re hanging off the foot-board. I thought I’d share some of the wisdom I’ve acquired.

Hailing a bus – Sri Lankan private buses come in many varieties. There are buses which seem to stop at every bus stop there is, and everywhere in between, and then there are buses which like to pretend all passengers can magically teleport themselves inside the bus if it passes near them. You have to aim for the middle-ground buses. These can be fairly easy to flag down, but if you’re by yourself,be prepared for a brisk sprint.

Entering a bus – Now, what is important is how fast that you are moving. If you and the bus are standing still, you sho- oh come on, we both know that’s never going to happen. So, assuming you’re jogging along the bus, try to equalize your velocities. Your chances of looking ridiculous are directly proportional to your relative velocity. And, well, your ability to leap gracefully. You need to judge the point when the bus is moving slowest. This will take a few tries. When you sense it, jump on. Choice of door depends on personal preference. Some prefer the front, some prefer… Nevermind.

Moving on,

Navigating the insides of a bus – Since you’re on a bus, I’m going to go and assume you’re given to flights of lunacy. We can’t have those on the bus. Only the conductor is allowed to do so. You get in, sit down, and shut up. If you don’t carry exact change, have a strange haircut or look at the conductor funny, be prepared to feel an effect equivalent to six mother-in-laws complaining about how you could never live up to their husbands and how you’re too impotent to know how to count change. Logic, logic cannot survive in such harsh climates.

Exiting a bus – This is an extremely important aspect of any bus journey. Many are the technical aspects of the perfect exit, one that takes a lifetime to refine, which, if you’re like most people and do not posses masochistic tendencies, you’ll want to avoid. But, you do wish to live long enough to outgrow the bus, so read carefully. If you are a) pregnant, b) have a heart condition or similar, c) are shorter than Himal, or d) sane, avoid exiting the bus while it is moving. Real life is not Speed. If you must, then head towards the exit closest to you. Avoid the front exit if you wish to disembark while the craft is turning, as you will have a quick meeting with the front wheel, and then drop in for a surprise visit to the deity or gatekeeper to paradise of your choice. If you lean that way. Otherwise you have the far less glamorous option of The End. Once you’ve positioned yourself on the bottom of the footboard, again, try to sense when the bus is at its slowest. Leap. Like a paratrooper, you must be prepared to land running, on your feet, soldier! Tripping up will cost you, at the least, your dignity.

If you’ve managed to complete all the above without bodily harm, congratulations. Give yourself a pat on the back. Then punch yourself in the face. Preparation for the next 154 you have to take.

—————

Additionally, the disparity between men and women on a bus is just odd. How often do you see women getting onto a moving bus, or exiting one? What gives, womenfolk? Ask your menfolk how to use the commenting system if you need assistance. Recipes are not welcome.

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9 Responses to “The Private Bus: A Layman’s Guide”


  1. September 19, 2011 at 5:51 am

    LOL, good guide. Also, be really careful when sitting down – you don’t know when you’d bump into the old woman next to you WILL proceed to go Raisa on you with her nails for attempting to “rape” her. (me? never happened to me, just heard that it happens) 😛

    Aaaand avoid taking the window seat on rainy days, unless you want all the water picked up by the wheels ending up on your face. -___- Also: 2 rupee coins save lives. Never leave home without them. 🙂

  2. September 19, 2011 at 6:29 am

    Also contrary to what feminists et al, will say about purposely picking the seat next to the girl, it makes more sense. Because 1.You wouldn’t want to sit next a fat guy,because they have no idea what personal space means, and are more or less going to be sticking on you the whole bus ride. 2. Sitting next to the fat lady brings the same problems as the fat guy, but in some instances they assume, you’re *purposely* rubbing on them. I mean comon, a normal bus seat is 2.5ft wide and the woman takes 2.2…do the math. 3. Would be sitting next to the average guy who’s buffer than you. A lot of men have no clue once again about personal space and like to spread their legs as wide as a gold-digging slut who’s just met a billionaire, I’m sure we’ve all been in this situation, sitting next to Himal that is.

    So finally, see a hot girl? GO SIT NEXT TO HER. Ample sitting and leg room. You won’t smell different from how you got onto the bus, if at all better, and in most instances can text without her peeping into your phone all the time.

  3. September 19, 2011 at 10:03 am

    Enjoyed reading that post. I’ve seen these experiences.

    Another great thing about being in advertising is that it’s easy to visualise… 🙂

    As for women and bus rides, I’m not so sure. lets see what others say.

  4. September 19, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Hmmmm… agree with LD, for the most part the “innocent” guy seated next to you is not as squeaky clean as he looks.

  5. 6 WTB
    September 19, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    ROFL of the Day, right here!!!!

    Agree with purpleboxers and I’ve been doing the exact and hadn’t even noticed it until now 😀

    Anyhow its best to take the window seat at all times that way even if u r been crushed you still get to breath 😀

  6. October 13, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    buses tend to stop for girls, eliminating the need for jumping on and off moving buses. In my experience, anyway. 🙂

  7. October 14, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    yoooooooooo!!!! had been taking 154 since dad said I should mind ma own work now..:D …geezzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!talking about ladies (ehem…I would rather say girls)…I have hell a lot of experiences jumping right infront of e buses and getting on and off :D…and I love bus rides (ma friends think that’s insane)…besides some bus rides make me fell like um in a roller coaster …..:):)

  8. November 2, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    I went on a Sri Lankan bus once. And went flying down the aisle as the bus driver braked. To be fair I was holding on to something as well. I think that came with me. Good times.


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