Archive for the 'f' Category

08
Jan
12

I’m running out of titles

Seriously. How do you guys keep pushing out post after post topped with such great hits such as “Abans Massage Chair: A Review” and ” “(you know who you are)?

Just got back from Retractive, a concert of retro music(allegedly) at the Warehouse Project in Maradana. The warehouse project seems pretty interesting – http://www.warehouseproject.lk/. Copy sounds very hipster-ish but they seem to be doing some good work with the local kids. LEARN, a project to teach the local kids english and things is also run out of the warehouse, you can contact Ruwan from Beyondborders for more info or to volunteer. Or Mel from the warehouse project. I think.

But anyway,

The music was meh-ish. The artists were just… alright. I can’t complain since my musical abilities only extend as far as awkwardly tapping my feet in tune(hopefully) to the beat. It wasn’t particularly retro either, but again, I’m not complaining since it was the likes of the Goo Goo Dolls and Sting. If that’s retro, then I’m far older than I consider myself to be.

We left the premises around 9:30, meandered for a while and ended up playing foosball. An hour later I was in Pettah waiting for a bus again. Time was about 11pm, on a Saturday. Prime time for drunk dudes to do the four-legged walk home. After getting off the bus that brought me there, I passed behind a pair of old men sitting on the curb, wearing their sarongs in what I shall just call a “screw decency, and anyone who happens to walk in front of us” fashion. They were debating the pros and cons of walking home to where they live in Maharagama. I did not inquire about public transport and availability.

Past the CTB stand, and into the whatchamacallit road to see if there were any buses in there. The one leading to the Gunasinghepura stand and the gas works. I’ve never actually seen anything like a gas works in that area, though. Granted, in my mind a gas-works would be a giant steam-punk-esque structure billowing steam from various tubes and crevices.

Near the public toilets, off in the shadows I saw a bunch of young gentlemen who I can describe only as brown skin-heads. Nose rings, large tattoos, bugger-off face, sleeveless tshirts, shiny denims and more cigarettes than you can shake an excise duty officer at. A little past the brain trust, a young lady sidles up to me and asks “ayye, kohomada?” (or “how you doin’?”). I say “uh, hondai” (or, “eiiiiieeeeeiiiiii”), freeze for a bit and walk faster towards the buses, staring straight ahead.

Finally I spot a bus just pulling out of the gas-works area, a 1. Bus route no. 1 is the Colombo-Kandy bus, a matter of great pride to anyone living along the Kandy road. We have the number one bus! Probably the first bus route to exist! Take that, Highlevel road. We had buses when you were still whipping cows along the cobbled mess you called a highway. Probably.

So I get in and sit down. Eventually all the seats are taken, and the bus sets off. A dude starts singing some sinhalese song. I don’t know what. Sue me. Something about fair skin and “meeting you, my dear, where the flowers bloom”. Definite Retroactive material.  I get off the bus a few stops before my house, to grab dinner. Afterwards I look around for a three wheeler, see one parked nearby and head towards it. I ask the dude if he’s up for a fare. A voice from the back says, sleepily, “and who the hell are you?”. This is when I notice that there is someone sitting, or lying, in the back seat. The driver tells him to bugger off, shoos him away and tells me he’s sorry for the degenerates.

The starter handle hasn’t even dropped yet and the driver starts telling me about how drug addicts, like the one who was occupying his back seat earlier, are a terrible drain on society. He says they consume narcotics all day and wander around at night, demanding free transport. Apparently the few police officers he’s mentioned it to don’t do anything. “What families, children for those fellows”, says he, “all they do is steal anything they can get and buy more drugs. Am I supposed to do a 200 rupee fare for free? They are trying to dress us(or, ung apiwa andanda hadanawa)”. I go “huh” at the appropriate breaks in the speech. I hazarded a “yeah, totally” at one point but then he went “ah? ahhhh?” and I just went “uh, yeah”, and he continued with the local crime report.

Four minutes later I was unlocking the front door.

It’s just. Interesting living here.

I’ve gotten very self-conscious of what I put up here, all of a sudden. I feel like I’m being compared with all the bloggers who write well, and can’t help but feel a slight tinge of guilt, since I’m likely to feel like a slap to the face with a gym sock after reading some of the content out there, locally.

14
Sep
11

I’m alive, I’m alive

So,

I’m still alive and well, just in case you were wondering. Yes, you, reader. I’ve noticed the drop in hits. You think you can just not read this blog? Oh yeah? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet! This blog will come knock down your front door, throw your cat in the pool, burn your library and mix up the labels on your carefully arranged dvd collection!

Hmph. Try not reading now, punk.

Anyway. How have you been? I’ve been good, thanks. I know, I know, I haven’t really updated much. But that’s hardly reason enough to not come visit any more, is it? But I digress. I’ve had yet another change in lifestyle recently. I quit work. I now work from home(kinda) and hence, am insanely bored a lot of the time due to not having co-workers to throw stationery at.

I am also missing my daily exercise routine of hanging on to overhead handlebars on buses. It was grueling. So I’ve decided do get a bicycle to ride around when it gets too stuffy at home. Plus I’m almost certain I can beat any of those kids who race down the lane in their shiny new bikes. In related news, I also plan to get myself a motorbike. I’m quite clueless as to what to look for in this regard, though. I’m more lost than a woman in, well, anywhere.

By far the best thing about working from home is that the dress code consists of whatever I’m wearing when I get out of bed. Speaking of clothing, I went to Dili’s recently, at Bambalapitiya. Surprisingly, they had just the type of jeans I was looking for, and it was cheap. I’d follow dili’s if they were on twitter. They also have quite nice salespeople.

Me: *wandering around while waiting around for cousin to get back from the fit-on room*
Attendant: “All of those are newly arrived, sir”
Me: “Heh, I haven’t been here in months so it all looks new to me”
Attendant: “No… Sir… I mean they’re the latest trends, in accordance with the season”
Me: “Ohhhhhh, okay… *awkwardly look away* *mumble* *mumble*”

So, other than people thinking I can tell the difference in styles of clothing more accurately than to within 30 years, I’m still me. Hopefully with more time to read all your posts and things and grace your posts with my valuable comments.

Edit: Dilly’s. I’m stupid.

29
Jun
11

Guess the Quote!

Good evening ladies and gentlemen!

In today’s show of Guess Who Said It, we offer up a little morsel of a quote sure to warm the cockles of your heart with laughter. It was uttered last saturday when we were standing by the railway tracks at Marine Drive, just enjoying the damp rocks and the salt spray coating everything.

Today’s quote:

I’ll show you my shrimp! *menacing hand gestures*

So, ladies and gentlemen, can you guess who? The suspects offered up are, in no particular order,

  • @himalkk
  • @himalkk
  • @himalkk
  • A nearby humpback whale boasting to its partner about how many sea-creatures it can filter
  • A door to door seafood salesman
  • @himalkk
Take your pick folks! One lucky winner will get the opportunity to spend an evening with the man(or whale) himself, the owner of the quote.
20
May
11

Wanderings

My computer is in my room most of the time. It is connected to the internet of tubes via a magical wireless connection. This wireless connection is with a router on the floor below, maybe a dozen feet or so away, separated only by a layer of concrete and sometimes my legs.

The seemingly gargantuan task of pushing radio waves through this apparently vast expanse that, according to my router, is filled with lead is sometimes too much for my standard “SoHo” router. I’ve come to despise and hate it. Among the giants of the wireless networking world, the D-Link 2640U is but a retarded child forever trying to lick his elbow.

All of that is besides the point. It’s Vesak season here in sunny infernal Sri Lanka. I fell sick on the first day and could not leave the house. On the second day(yesterday) I was still sick but also bored half to death of staying at home when the entire country had turned essentially into what I imagine the insides of a carebear look like.

So off I went, replete with camera and fever, to walk about and take in the sights of what I best understand as some kind of pagan christmas, except without the gifts. Or the trees.

I’m not sure if it was the dizziness from walking around too much or actual atmosphere but it felt so… rushed. There were crowds of people everywhere, standing around, strolling from thorana to thorana, standing in line at the dansalas or just running amok on the streets.

There were lights.

Whoever made it all happen could throw a wicked disco. Not that I would attend it. My dancing skill is the polar opposite of my being awesome skill. So many lights. It looked like my current wallpaper, which I am quite attached to.

I noticed that most of the pictures could be made to look better simply by making them look very out of focus. Bokeh’d.

Observe:


Neither is a particularly great picture, but the blurry one simply looks better. It turned out to be the case on a lot of images. Not a good reflection on my skills on taking pictures, I’m afraid. Those should be up on flickr in a few days. The regular ones.

On the way back home I was a wheezing wreck, thanks to some overenthusiastic bounding over the barriers around the Beira lake and a sprint to catch a bus. My body was too busy killing virii and generally being a jerk by increasing my body temperature so that it looked like I’d just stepped out of a shower with most of my clothes on. I kept steadfastly staring out the window and was treated to a kaleidoscope of light, colour and well, people. Sri Lanka is an awesome place to be in sometimes, even if the people on the bus crinkle their nose when looking at you and you nearly black out on your seat.

Now to hit publish before I fall asleep.

I have to get to work in about four hours. Aiyo.

13
Nov
09

I Faced Batman At My Job Interview

I’m bored these days. Sitting at home leading my tremendously eventful life is, quite unbelievably, tedious. So I thought I’d jot down the tale of how I encountered the batman at my first and last job interview to date.

I pay and get out of the three wheeler I use to get to the address in Kolpetty. It’s 9:55am on a sunny September day. The sun feels like a dog that has had too much chili to eat licking my face. I hurriedly scamper up the stairs to the office on the second floor and look around. Two people. They look at me. I stare back.

We stare at each other.

I squint. Two males, one in office wear, the other casual. Reception?

“sup?”

“Uh, I’m here to meet a man about a fish. Uh… a job- an interview. Designer thing….?” I eloquently orate.

“Oh. Wait a minute please”

With that the dude in office wear picks up the phone on his desk and speaks into it.

I do not hear what he says for I am now staring into a black curtain that has suddenly dropped down in front of my face.

I push it aside, to be confronted with a mess of sharp looking black metal things.

Before I can say out loud that their boiler seems to have crashed down through the ceiling, a deep, throaty voice goes “I’m here for the job. Give it to me.”

My senses tingling, I compute that I have competition. From a big black… thing. I step around the object and find myself staring upwards at a face covered by half a mask, a strange looking vest, fetish for black and a cape. I had this round clenched. All the clues led to only one conclusion.

“The opera business not paying enough for you to carry out your evil DESIGNS?”

Then I took out a pair of Ray-Bans and dramatically put them on while staring into the middle distance.

“Your picture’s been cropped, Phantom.”

And then,

“Of the Opera.”

Then I proceeded to take off the shades and remove my glasses, and then put the shades back on again. This was done discreetly, aside.

While I waited for the masked genius murderer cum composer to wallow in shame and go home a broken man, someone ushered him into a door to my left saying “Step this way please, Batman”.

He then gave me a look which said “You have made a great fox pass and now you will pay for it by living a life of shame if you ever get chosen to work here, infidel! Do you not know who Batman is? Also, would you prefer tea or coffee?”

I flexed my eyebrows, signaling tea. Then I followed them in and was greeted by smoke. Someone who looked like the boss was telling everyone to calm down. I went up to him, and noticed b-man sidling up next to me looking a little sheepish. Which is hard to do when your face is half covered in a mask. “I don’t work well in daylight, or in ‘Natural Sun’-themed office lighting fixtures”.

I looked at the boss. He seemed displeased. I was confident I had made a better first impression.

Then we sat down and it turned out we were both being interviewed at the same time.

Boss: So, I see from your resumes that neither of you has much experience in 3D modeling or graphic design professionally.

Me: Yes, It’s just a hobby of mine. But I’m quite confident of my ability to keep up with any work.

Batman: I can make your psd files fear the night. *cloak self with cloak in swift movement*

Boss: Okay then… So where do you see yourself in a yeAARRGHHH! What are you doing?!

Batman: Just cleaning my batarang…?

Boss: No, not you, HIM! *points at me*

Me: Eh? Can’t a guy pick his nose without being ostracized? It’s a free country dammit.

Boss: Employees of this organization maintain proper manners and discipline at all times.

Batman: I’m quite disciplined, if I say so myself. I can stay perfectly still in the middle of a blizzard wearing only minimal clothing and at the same time do calculus equations in my head. I can survive in an arctic wasteland populated by snow eating hippies for an indefinite period.

Me: I’m sure that’s a great skill to have for a DESIGNER.

Boss: Yeah… I’m not sure we’re ready to expand to Canada…

Batman: Don’t you have dreams? Do you not wish to eradicate all crime?

Boss: We’re…in… the services industry… But anyway. What would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: I’m a perfectionist. I keep changing things in my designs every time I open them.

Boss: Very good answer, what about you, Mr. Man?

Batman: The name’s Batman. No last name. Remember that.

Boss: uhhhhh

Batman: I have no weakness. Weakness is for other people. It is for the people who I hunt. In the night. For I am the knight of the dark. The Dark Knight.

Boss: Okay. Right. Moving on, what can you bring to this company?

Batman: This company doesn’t deserve a designer. Where’s my dramatic music?! You deserve nothing! But I will still fight for you and give you what you deserve! Which is nothing! But I know what you deserve and will make it my mission to make sure all your text objects are turned to curves! And you will get what you deserve because you deserve more…than you get…from what you deserve me. Eh.

Me: I’ve got lots of hours under my belt working with relevant software. I’m a people person.

Boss: Are you a people person, Batman?

Batman: I have a great working relationship with most people. They’re afraid of me. I also have thirty two methods to kill you under MY belt. Hah!

***Hours pass, batarangs are thrown and more smoke is let loose***

Boss: Hello again you two. I’ve made my choice and I think I’m going to play it safe and go with Jerry here.

Me: Why thank you, I can assu-

*Enter Robin *

Robin: Yo Jerry, I’m really happy for you, I’ma let you finish, but Batman has one of the best typography skillsets of all time!

Boss: My decision is final.

*Boss shoots Robin with shotgun hidden under his desk.

*Batman rushes over to Robin

“Oh god no! What will I ever tell his parents?! Why does it always have to be the innocent bystanders! This mask makes it impossible for my tears to escape!”

*Boss calls security, drags wailing Batman out.

*Batman sobs hysterically outside.

Boss: I guess I’ll see you on Monday then!

Me: Why yes, thank you!

***I am shaken awake***

“Gerald Pereira?”

“Yeah?”

“Come on in for your interview. Great first impression, looser.”

*groan*

18
Feb
09

Chapter 2 : Contact

Continued form here

——————–

Youdickhead! Its moving! Ohnoohnoohnooo Professor Gunasinghe is gonnakillme’!

‘Sir, its reaching for the wormhole!! what do i do sir? sir? SIR!!…..fuck.’

Greenwilly Jayasinghe froze as he saw their, at best, sadistic project mentor entering their little hastily slapped together control room. Greenwilly, Will to his friends, was not by any stretch of the imagination a quick thinking man. How he got into this whole business of littering the universe full of newly created wormholes, nobody knows. On the other hand, his superior, Bluetits, known to his friends as just Blue, was quite capable of dodging even the stickiest of situations.

After a few seconds Blue noticed that his not-too-bright charge had nearly stopped breathing. He turned around to see the considerable frame of Professor Gunasinghe breathing down her nose at him. She was the type of person who would assign you the task of calculating Pi to the millionth digit, with a calculator,if you so much as looked at her wrong. But at the moment, Blue had bigger things to worry about than starting at her rudely.

‘What’s wrong you! Men, always standing around! What is that!’ she screeched, seeing the infra-red video stream of our friend the hothead. Blue cast around for explanations and finally ended up with ‘It’s a videogame we’re testing, ma’am. Just to uh… see if the… ROP’s perform right when configured this way.’

‘Hmph…. well… get back to work then! Lazy little…..’

‘Whoa, that was close…’ Blue said as she drifted off to spread her vile self on someone else.

‘Uh… Sir, I think you should-‘

The hothead had by now moved right next to the wormhole. Now, wormholes are strange things. Even they themselves didn’t understand wormholes properly. Each time they had created one in the past, anything they’d tried to bring through it had turned to ashes and little lumps of diamond at this end. They assumed the wormhole was pulling through a great deal more space and matter than they wanted it to, hence creating an unpleasant environment for safe travel. The first primitive species they’d encountered had even used their multi-billion dollar experiment as a convenient waste disposal unit that had popped into existence.

As hothead started slowly moving into it, Blue waited for the CCCRRRRRSSHSHHHHH sound that would signal the need for yet another clean-up of the ‘Landing Room’, the place where everything significant from the wormhole popped into existence. They’d figured out how to get rid of the useless bits like dust and female aliens along the way. In essence, they were littering along hyperspace.

Hothead tentatively stuck a limb into the strange swirling mass of light and dust, and was promptly sucked into it with a little ‘plop’ noise. A few seconds later and a few thousand light years away, it blinked. Cold.

Meanwhile, Blue and Willy were getting ready to shut down when their local AI alerted them to the presence of _something_ in the Landing Room. Blue stopped mid-sentence and stared at the screen which was displaying a strange looking thing that looked like a cross between a teapot and a dildo.

‘W- We’d better go get to it before her highness finds out, mate’ said Blue.

‘You think she’ll actually try t-‘ queried Willy.

‘No, you idiot. jeez…’

So off they went to the Landing Room, wondering how in the world it had survived. The only possible explanation was that the creature actually _lived_ in such environments. But then it would surely die when exposed to the local atmosphere. He ran faster.

‘Entrance to the Landing Room has been restricted to personnel with multi-suits, as inner atmosphere has been adjusted to suit it’s sole inhabitant.’ chimed the AI.

‘Well, there’s that question answered…’

He pressed the comm link button on the door. Willy slowly moved behind him.

‘Booo’ Blue said

What they heard struck fear into their hearts like neither had ever experienced.

‘lol lol diS is so aWeSomEE’

—————————–

On to MyP

Sorry if it’s not what you expected, just wanted to maintain some sameness to it, instead of wildly going all over the place.

Stay tuned for Lies 4.0 : The Beach

09
Feb
09

Gone

Slowly going black
1 in 11,000,000 they said
It’ll never happen
Smart asses
It’s not THEM all around him
People, families
Mothers, fathers
Children
It was getting a little too wet for his liking
Blue and white ribbons gathering
Bits and pieces still sticking out
He thought back
Animals
The panic
Fear
Anger
Spilt drinks too
He tried to go back

“Please attach your own mask before assisting young children”

Meh… I need to go listen to some Mr. Brightside… I will be back in force come tuesday 😛